Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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