Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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