i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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