Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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