I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
