At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
