why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
