Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
