I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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