Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
