There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
