I am in a vortex of obligation.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
