im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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