Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
