His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
