I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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