is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
