This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
