if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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