life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was confusing and full of hummus
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
