Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
