Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
