i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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