just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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