Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
