oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
