why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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