I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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