I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
the day after is always just damage control
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
