i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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