My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
