Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just pee around me
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
