ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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