**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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