i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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