I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
