He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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