Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
