my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
