no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
