she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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