who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
