well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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