I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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