I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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