do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
