Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
