its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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