I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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