i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
