Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
